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“Don’t drag me down…”
January 19th, 2012When you have little kids and they are walking beside you holding your hand, stay in step with them. If you walk in front of them, it looks like you are dragging them. If you walk behind them, they may not know which way to go. Just walk beside them and be their friend. That is what a good parent does.
I happened to see a parent dragging their child today. It wasn’t an angry dragging or anything, it was totally just a parent walking at their gait followed by a child walking at his gait. And it made me think of the kids on the playground that hold hands and drag each-other everywhere.They probably learned that dragging is what you do. But really, life is too short to rush through it and drag your friends and family at your breakneck (hyperbole) speed.
Enjoy holding hands with your children.
Enjoy taking life a little more slowly.
But rock on!
“Hey, you’ve got to hide your love away….”
December 22nd, 2011The things I KNOW.
So this afternoon I started to think about things. I went to the local Chipotle restaurant to pick up two veggie bowls for my husband and I to share with my step-daughter. As I was walking back to my car, I was approached by a very VERY rugged looking woman wearing outdoor clothes in layers, with her salt and pepper hair braided into two braids – one on each side of her hair.
“Can you spare some money so I can get some food?”, she asked. Here I am, walking down the street with a bag full of wonderful food to share with my family, and she asks me for food. I offer her a veggie bowl, explaining that it is veggies and rice, sour cream, cheese, and guacamole. She kind of nods and looks quizzical. I am not sure if it was because she didn’t believe me, or didn’t know what I was talking about, or what, but she took the bowl I offered, and I walked back to the Chipotle to replenish my bag. I also get her some napkins and a fork.
I come out, and hand her the fork and napkins, and she tells me that I have a beautiful smile, and then asks me how I can be so happy.
Her face was wrinkled and pocked with time and hard living. Her voice is slurred and she seems like she may have a bit of mental inefficiency. Maybe she has done a lot of drugs in her life and they have taken their toll. Maybe she has experienced a lot of tragedy that has warped her mind. Maybe she was born just a little off. And for this moment, she really is amazed by me.
It is obvious that she asks me how I can be happy because she has a difficult time being happy. Her mouth distorts as she asks, in the way an infant will sometimes scrunch their face up right before they are getting ready t begin screaming because they can not communicate their needs in any other way.
SO I stop to talk to her. She hugs me when I give her the food, and I hug her back. And I keep smiling at her. And I tell her how I can be happy. I begin by saying that there is a lot of shit in this world. A lot of things that are going on that people can be negative about. So we have to always be on the lookout for the things that will make us happy. “I woke up this morning,” I tell her. And obviously so did she. And there are people who didn’t. That is something for me to be happy about. With every breath I take today, someone else is breathing their last. I saw a cat cross a busy section of street today, and it was unscathed. I love cats, so that made me happy. I am sure that some investment banker made a million dollars today, and maybe that made him happy. That is not where I am or what I am about, so I find the happiness in smaller things. Sometimes my body fails me, and so I find happiness in things that I have not done.
There is always something to be happy about. For all of us. So we need to find happiness in whatever we can. If your mind requires you to only be happy with great things, then you will have to be in a position to do great things. If you aren’t in that position, you can adjust your perspective to find those smaller things that will make you happy. This does not mean that you have to always be satisfied. That you don’t have to try to better yourself or even DO better. This just means that you can be happy in life as you pursue better. There should be nothing about happiness that makes you complacent. Happiness should not be tied to what you do or can do. It should be less visceral. For me, happiness feels supernatural! It is a strength that I can borrow from or find regardless of where I am in life or what is going on with me, or what I am doing!
So what I was trying to let her know, while her tragic face kept contorting, and her body stench wafted through my nostrils, was that she can be happy too. If she wants. And so can you.
And then this Beatles song popped in to my head. And the Beatles are not always right. You should never hide your love away. Because showing your love shares your love. Some day, you might pass a woman on the street who smells a little rough and looks even rougher, and she may see your love, and it might help her.
And THAT might help you!
I am feeling holiday sentimentality. This season, even though I haven’t decorated, and have barely cooked, and haven’t wrapped a single present, I am happy. I have been singing holiday tunes, and loving my family with all that I have. And I feel loved too!
“Turn around, bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart”
December 6th, 2011Starting month 4 of roller derby. I was in an Xmas parade with the derby girls of Hard Knox recently. I walked and carried a banner while others skated. Derby is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. I only have a little time. I am not a good derby girl. But derby is making my life better. I am losing weight and people are commenting on it. This makes me feel worthwhile. I am gaining skills, and people are impressed. That makes me feel good. I am realizing that I rely WAY TOO MUCH on others to validate me. And I ask myself, WHY? I’m not sure.
I am kind of a people person. I like being around people, and I like making people feel good. It makes ME feel good. I can’t just “make” myself feel good though, and often the pleasure I get by making other people happy is very fleeting — Sometimes it even brings me feelings of resentment. “Why do I do so much for that person, because they don’t do for me!” I am human. I am SO human! It is funny how we always believe that we are doing so much for people, but we are rarely doing the things that they need or even want. We do the things for others that we want them to do for us. I am needing this right now, so I will do it for you to show you. And we don’t use those words, so others may not even realize it. I don’t even always realize that is what I am doing until well after I have done it!
So today I am rambling. This has been my mind lately. Even more than usual. I am easily distracted, and I can’t explain why. Oh, I heard a sound. I just lost everything you have been saying for that last 10 minutes. Oh look, there is a shiny…oops, almost crashed my car…. Hello world! I don’t even know where I was going with this post.
I’m concentrating on reffing now in the derby world. It is still hard. I have a poor sense of balance, so my forte is falling. I can do that fairly well will minimum (permanent) damage. I love Roller Skating! I love the music that they play at the skating rink. I can lose hours at the skating rink now, and be happy.
I just feel so overwhelmed with all the lights, sights and sounds of this season. The random weather changes. I feel unable to focus. I am sure that there is a lot of stuff I need to do, but dadgum it if I can’t get it together.
Right this very minute I am remembering that I need to adjust my damage deck for Lord of the Rings Living Card Game. I want to drop the Henamarth Riversong ally. I need more cheap allies though. Hmmm… I enjoy playing board and card games with my family. It is fun to play, but I lose patience with the set-up time and waiting for my turn. I feel like a child. Usually like a sleepy child.
I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband. He witnesses me getting distracted and distraught, and he is often very patient with me. I know that sometimes he must feel like he lives with several different women, because from moment to moment, I feel like I am several different people. My moods change more frequently than my underwear. Sometimes it may be related to the MS. Just like my ever changing eyesight. Sometimes maybe it is because I am a woman and have these unrelenting hormones dragging me every which way. Sometimes I imagine that I am crazy. And Dev puts up with it all and loves me despite it all.
I am one lucky girl.
“All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you’d better run…”
November 7th, 2011So, in the few short months since I last posted, I have been working on getting healthier. On September 1st, I officially joined the Hard Knox Roller Girls Flat Track Roller Derby league. This is a milestone for me. Not only because I am a relatively unfit 37 year old, but also because I do have this Monster Spawner called MS (multiple sclerosis).
It all happened like this….for my 37th b-day, my husband got us Roller Derby tickets. I had been trying to get him to go with me for several months (maybe even years). Then he surprised me with tickets! We had a amazingly fun time, and kept going to the bouts. Finally I said, “hey, I bet I could do that!” and asked about what it takes to join the team, and then showed up at a practice. I didn’t have any gear, and I had even less of an idea about what I was getting in to. After watching the veterans practice several times, I was absolutely amazed at their skill, endurance, and heart! It didn’t hurt that all of the women on the team are amazingly gracious to newbs. Each of them swore up and down that they started with no skills, and anyone could do it. So I bought my gear and took that challenge. The first practice that I skated at was on a Wednesday. The weekend before I went to that practice, I went to the local skating rink and rented some skates. I huffed and puffed around the rink a couple of times, and fell on my ass so hard that my bell was rang. After 30 minutes, I was done. Put a fork in me! My husband was so let down because I just couldn’t keep going. As I was walking out of the rink, the guy who works there told me that I should just forget about derby. I was hurting and frustrated and ashamed. I cried all the way home. Then, I went to practice on Wednesday with the team. Boy, imagine my intimidation. I couldn’t even stand up on skates. But damn it, I was going to try. Thankfully, those Roller Derby women are awesome role models and wonderfully encouraging mentors. So here it is, almost 2.5 months later, and I am still trying. In fact, I am getting ready to take my derby skills test in 2 weeks. I go to team practices on Sunday evenings, and I skate with a group of newbies on Tuesdays. I no longer go to practice hoping to not fall in a painful way. Now I go to practice expecting NOT to fall. But with the realization that I will get back up and try again if I do. It is empowering to see my body being able to move this way. It is motivating to see people who are working to bring their skills up to my level, as well as to see those women who are so far beyond my level and knowing that if I keep working at it, some day I will be there as well! And it is neat to see how my body is changing. I have lost at least 10 pounds since I started skating. My clothes are fitting much more loosely. My face is getting more slim. Since my last neurology appointment, I have lost 20 pounds. That made my neurologist very happy….however….
My neurologist told me that I should not be skating to compete. Roller Derby is a fierce competition. And if you get overheated, you can’t just stop playing. And for those of us with compromised neurological systems, getting overheated can stop your body from being able to receive the signals it needs to in order to function properly. This is due to a phenomenon known as Uhtoffs Syndrome. Heat will slow down the transmission of signals throughout your neurological system for anyone. For those of us with compromised systems, the signals may be completely surpressed, so our neurological function can stop. Symptoms that we experienced with the onset of this disease will flare up. And most of the time, as we cool down, these flare-ups will subside. But some time they might not. And that is my fear. When you get a flare up due to Uhtoffs syndrome, it is called a pseudo-exacerbation, or a pseudo flare-up because it should go away. So I am now practicing with the knowledge that if I keep it up and keep pushing myself beyond my comfort level, my neurological system may become damaged beyond repair. I have a FEAR now. And I am choosing to fight through it. I have added some cooling clothing to my amazon wishlist. I wear a wicking shirt during practice. I drink plenty of water, and maybe I take more breaks than most of the other girls. But I am fighting to be a better skater, and I am fighting to keep my MonSter under control. I have Multiple Sclerosis and I am a Roller Girl. I’m going to keep on Rocking and Rolling. And occasionally I will fall!
But I will keep getting back up!
“I’ve seen Fire and I’ve seen Rain”
July 26th, 2011Life keeps moving way too quickly. I just turned 37. Mentally I feel about 14, and physically I feel about 70. But everything seems to be moving right along. The MS hasn’t made many ripples in my life lately. I’m battling a sinus issue/cold, and that is probably a little more difficult because of that silly monster and the drugs I have to take to fight it, but it isn’t anything that I haven’t dealt with before.
Right now I am concerned most with my house. We had some bad storms and some stuff got messed up. It is totally livable, but it isn’t the home that we bought. It is becoming way more work than it seems like it is worth. And unfortunately, my husband is kind of bearing the brunt of any work that needs to be done. On top of everything else that happens in life, this just adds stress. And stress is yucky. And unhealthy.
I wish that we were rich enough to be able to pay whomever we needed to pay to get everything done. I wish that the small things which keep adding up could be done simply. And of course not my myself or my husband. I’ve been trying to parcel off whatever housework that I can. My little brother has been keeping up our lawn. He does it irregularly which is very frustrating to my husband. But at least it saves us from having to do it. I wanted to hire a cleaning service to do a complete clean of the house one good time, but my husband pointed out that it would pretty much be pointless. My cats are old, and they pretty much mess where ever they want. A lot of it is hairballs and vomit, but plenty of it is kitty pee. Sometimes it makes me want to get rid of them. But they are my family. They have been in my life for almost 15 years, and they are always happy to see me. They are my children. I know that until they pass, I will always have their messes to deal with. And I don’t deal with them in as timely or efficient manner as I should. I am lazy. I am also tired. It would just be nice to have someone clean all of the floors well, and dust up all of the cobwebs. Those are things that I just don’t have the motivation to do. Yes, there are cobwebs surrounding our refrigerator. But there are no rotten foods in it! There are piles of cat hair and me hair all over the floor. But for the most part I get the vomit and piss cleaned up. I have spot cleaned the kitchen floor from where I have made ample messes. But those spots in the corners are still there. It just seems like there is way too much for any working couple to do. But we try. I am not embarrassed by those little messes and debris filling our home. I am quite proud of what we have and what we do. But I would love for everything to be better. I mean, who wouldn’t?
Because you can’t, you won’t, and you don’t stop…
April 21st, 2011I’m back. Life is rolling well. I had a physical a couple of weeks ago and got my results today. My cholesterol is good. Everything else is good…except my Vitamin D is low, and I have a UTI. Hmmm….Nothing that a few more meds won’t cure. (ha ha)
We went to DC with the kiddo and had a great time visiting all the FREE museums. I think we all walked our asses off, but we loved the ART museums best. Best food was probably in the Native American Museum cafe. Or may have been Ping Pong Dim Sum Restaurant. The kiddo had 4 different dim sum foods that she liked. Not including the 3 different desserts! The kiddo and the husband ran (holding hands) in a mile kids run. I made a sign and stood on the sidelines. All good times.
My 3 year old nephew started playing tee-ball! My bro got home. We are doing happy times!
Mentally I’m on track for success in 2011. Or so I tell myself.
So what is new, you ask? Well, um, not a whole lot. The weather is great. Even the massive rain storms. I’m feeling young again. And now I digress….
We spend a lot of time in Knoxville’s Market Square. We live close, and it is a sweet little joint to hang in. Except for when I see my old roommate. She lives on the street. She is crazy. Seriously. Drugs have badly impacted her. So I walk through the square with my happy little family and see her sitting on the sidewalk talking to herself. She seems like she is often angry and berating whatever invisible person she is conversing with. She smokes her cigs, and doesn’t carry anything with her, but she is always wearing a different outfit. Her hair is a mess (as though I would expect less). I lo0k away as I pass her. I recognize who she is, but I don’t know her. It freaks me out. I’m not the type to reach out to HER. Our last conversations were strained (and that was almost 20 years ago). I harbor my resentments of her. (I am not too wrapped up in this world. I am not a pervert.) I don’t wish her the stuff she must have gone through. Oh well.
So I recognize how lucky I am. I flaunt it. I revel in it. That makes me a bit of a bitch, huh?
But I haven’t given up on anything. And it seems like she did. Live your dream fools! Don’t live in a nightmare!
Monster Spawning and Living within the Spectrum
March 21st, 2011It has been a while since I have written. I’m not sure if that is good or bad, but I guess really it doesn’t matter either way. It is what it is. And besides, I am writing now. So here you go….
Lately I have been spending a significant amount of time playing games on my computer. I have found that I am very comfortable playing MMORPGs without having to interact with people IRL (in real life). It makes me happy and makes me feel like I am being social without the pressure of worrying what others may think of me. I enjoy interacting with imaginary people. Mainly the NPCs (non-player characters). They do not judge you as they are just canned computer responders. I am still very hesitant about interacting with real players in the games, but Devon has actually helped ease me into a little bit of that. I’ve also been playing this one game, Rift, where there is a part of the game that you can just jump in to with a bunch of other players and everyone is working toward the same goal of defeating the bad guys. No one has much time to be spitting the vitriol that is pervasive elsewhere on the interwebs. And you don’t have to jump into a small group where other people may have certain expectations of you. I like this.
I have also been playing Minecraft. It is a world building game. Kind of like adult Legos. I can get the different colored blocks and turn them in to whatever I can imagine them to be. Basically. It is also very pleasing to me. Minecraft has these special kind of blocks that are called Monster Spawners. I think that is kind of funny, because that is where all the bad guys come from.
It reminds me of my MS. M.S. = Monster Spawner. I’ve been thinking of my MS a lot lately as this month begins the MS awareness time of the year. MS Walks and bike rides are rampant. Luckily, that is about the only thing daily that reminds me of this disease. Health-wise, I have been doing well. I get too tired, and I blame it on the disease. I get confused sometimes and frustrated sometimes, and I blame it on the disease. But I can walk. I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to. I am healthy. I am definitely overweight, and still (at almost 37 years of age) acne-prone, but I am healthy.
I have an internet friend who has a daughter with Autism. They are both very outspoken about Autism Awareness. It has been very nice for me to learn about this. And then of course I (and honestly most people I know who have heard anything about Autism) wonder if I may have hints of Autism. Some autistic people prefer to call themselves neuro-different. From what I have recently read, some autistic people do not want a “Cure”. This isn’t a disease. They just see and interact with the world differently. I think that I am neuro-different at times. Though honestly I am not sure what is neuro-typical. Is there a “norm” for how one should think and understand the world? If there is, where did it come from? Why does it exist? Have we, as humans, decided that we are all going to agree that THIS is what the world is and THESE are the rules we should follow?
Things that make me wonder if I am normal are things like: I get exceedingly frustrated (painfully frustrated) when I am trying to explain something and someone doesn’t seem to understand my perspective. I get hurt and angry. It isn’t really that I don’t want to be wrong (of course I don’t, but I think most people feel that way), it is more that I don’t feel like I am able to communicate my understanding of the situation to people. I start feeling like I must be talking gibberish. And it seems like people talking to me when I get this way begin talking to me like I am a child and AM indeed speaking some foreign, made up language. I think I share that with some people who are On The Spectrum (what they call people with Aspergers or Autism). The frustration of not being able to communicate to others, in a way that they will understand, something that you are thinking. My frustration also leads me to start acting out in ways that may not be socially acceptable. I feel like screaming and often being aggressive physically. I usually end up crying because I KNOW that it is not acceptable to act out in the way that my brain feel like I so desperately need to act out.
It is so strange to feel know that I am human, but feel so outside of that sometimes. I feel like I am Monster Spawning. I feel like I am On The Spectrum. I feel so much. Thanks for listening.
Consumer Guilt
September 23rd, 2010So, I am experiencing a bit of consumer guilt. No, let me get this straight, I do not feel guilty about being a consumer, rather, my guilt stems from how I am supporting the economy.
I know that spend, spend, spend is a mantra for many people hoping to boost the economic status of our country. Okay, at least that is what I am hearing from the lawmakers. My problem right this moment is whether it is better to strengthen my local economy or to just add to the consumerism of our country from where ever I need. For instance, I have been buying a lot (way too much) of digital books. Either on my Kindle, or on my iPhone through iTunes audiobooks. Does this help our economy as much as, say, buying from a local store would? We buy our groceries from the local co-op. And I feel good about that. I like the people who work there, and they try to get as much local product as they can, and I try to consume it as much as I can. (No, that probably sounds worse than it actually is) But regardless, we try to shop local and buy local products. However, I am not stocking up on paper books the way I once did. Does that drag the economy down? If I shop at McKay’s used books and buy an audiobook from someone local, would that help things here more? Do I even want to do that? Do I want to support local structures that are not advancing our Tennessee structure? If I stop buying from these local places that hire low wage workers, will that help our economy grow to support higher wage jobs? I know that we will always have people who will work at McDonald’s and any fast food place and will not have any desire to move to a more lucrative (read higher stress) position. I am just befuddled. I would like to live in a more tech savvy city. And the thing is, I see it coming in Knoxville. Tennessee. But… Not fast enough? Not big enough? Just NOT ENOUGH!!!
My husband last night asked if I would move with him to San Francisco or Seattle if he could find work that he loves there. I answered fairly immediately that I would. I know that is probably a no-brainer for a lot of young marrieds, but probably 5 years ago, I would have said I don’t know. I feel like I am finally ready for that. I really love my city, but I feel like it lets me down. Forget the fact that in many instances our local government would like to keep us all in the farming and manufacturing era. Or at least it feels that way. And to be honest, I would say that a majority of our citizens (denizens?) would totally support that. I even support the farming part quite a bit.
I guess what it comes down to is that I am becoming more and more dependent on technology thanks to my techy husband, and now that I am, I am becoming more and more despondent to this city that seems to lag and lag. But really I just want it to catch up.
What can I do? Is there any small thing that I can do for/in this city that I love to help it grow in a good way? Will my spending habits contribute to growth? I will always be a consumer. It makes me feel good. But I want it to be meaningful. I am searching for meaningful ways to contribute to my society, and I am coming up empty. So are there any suggestions out there on the internet? Any people struggling like I am to make something good where they are without getting involved in the governmental power struggles that all seem to just increase the status quo?
I am guilty of being a consumer, but I don’t think I deserve the guilt.
“Sometimes I’m weak and sometimes I’m strong…”
August 23rd, 2010Social Distortion is playing in my tiny bit of heaven in November. They are playing with one of my fave bands, Lucero. This would be a dream concert to attend. By November will I feel like it? Who knows. On September 4th I am getting my 1st (and maybe only) tattoo. Wow! Life is changing. Maybe
So, a friend of mine passed away recently. Passed away into the universe. Passed away to feed the worms and dissipate energy into the wilds. It was rather unsettling to me. I had fallen out of touch with him. I had forgotten (chosen not to send any) to send a Christmas card which had become our last mode of contact over the last few years. I feel like an ass. I want to be the girl who keeps in contact with everyone – even if it is just to send out the cards at the appropriate times. I have failed at that recently. I need to re-adopt it! I need to reach out. I need for everyone I care about to adopt the same social networks that I am on!
In addition to the (however slight) physical change I am going to be undergoing, I have recently stopped taking birth control. I am now sterile. On purpose. I am also undergoing new hormone readjustment. Do you realize how birth control pills affect your hormones which affect basically everything for a woman? Yeah, so now I have the natural hormones attempting adjustment and wreaking havoc. My doctor has changed my anti-depressant at my request. My body is trying to adjust. My mind is trying to adjust. It has been super hot here over the last 2 months, and my MS is adjusting to that. I’ve been moody and weak and lazy lately. I am trying to adjust. Now it is very important to have a good support system. I am trying to get mine in check. I’m not sure how right now, though. A very smart Jedi Master once stated, “Do or do not. There is no try.” but I can damn well tell you that I am a master at trying. Fuck that Jedi Master! Tee hee. There is such a thing as trying. That is how I get through my days.
I’ve been trying to walk 10K steps a day. I have been failing each day, but I continue to try.
I have been listening to many audiobooks as I work. I have been reading on my Kindle in bed each night. I continue to realize how much I love reading. I love fiction. The Kindle came to me care of my husband. I think he only begrudgingly supports this hobby of mine. But he does support it. I need that. Support system member number one. My husband.
I am TRYING to not be quite so negative. I am not sure if it is on the outside only yet. But I am TRYING. It is strange because several people around me have had friends/family pass recently, but just as many people are expecting births. Life is a roller coaster. Emotionally, and physically. All the way around.
I would like to see some of the great music coming to my town. Natalie Merchant, Aimee Mann, Lucero and Social Distortion. Music is good.
Life is good.
We are all lucky to have it, whatever it entails. And I love you all. I will try to be better at keeping in touch.
Do-be-do-be-doooo
February 23rd, 2010Do you realize just how much communication can change your life? Sometimes it is crazy that we get hurt or angry or sad or whatever and want to hole up in our own heads, when letting all that tension out can relieve the situation completely. Anyway, this is kind of what seems to be going on with me at the moment. The holidays were a stressful time. Busy at work and busy outside of work and tons of stuff to keep me busy in between – planning and breaking and crazy stuff….Anyway, so I was letting it well up and then….and then….and then…I felt like I was going to explode. With no one to blame except me!
But I didn’t. Luckily I have this terrific fella in my life who really wants to help and I have great friends who listen and want to help too. So I finally opened my mouth…or at the very least I opened my journal, and poured all of the foulness out. And that helped me understand it and I think it helped my fella understand better what I need from him.
Anyway, we have been talking a lot more and listening a lot more and I have been a whole lot happier. In the midst of the BAD, I had a week off of one of my meds, and I have decided to talk to my doctor about coming off of it…So we will see how that goes.
Whew.
I am trying to be more positive too. And not dwell so much on the bad times that I have to spread all of my bad out to the world while keeping my good on the DL. Things are good for me right now. My MS is acting right. Yeah, I still get twitchy legs sometimes at night, and I will itch like the dickens, oh, and occasionally I will pee on myself in public, but so what. I can walk and ride my bike, and spring is just around the corner…Which reminds me, it is about time to start the allergy meds again! Silly songs.
