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“Careless and I’m lonely again…”
October 27th, 2009I’m having a difficult time determining the difference between careless and clumsy. I feel like sometimes I care way too much. Can I be careless then? Sometimes I am not cognizant of things. Does that make me careless? I didn’t notice that I was losing my grip on the full glass of water this morning while I was standing at the water cooler. Maybe I wasn’t holding onto it strong enough. I felt like ass as it slipped from my hand and spilled all over the floor. I felt like a bigger ass as I used up half of the paper towels on the rack to crawl around the floor and sop it up. I felt like an ass when I fell onto the Lovesac and bounced the PS3 controller onto the floor. More of an ass when I realized how obviously upset it made Devon. I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t even know it was sitting there. Would most people have realized it? Am I like most people? I know that I don’t pay attention like I should. I feel like it may take me more effort to pay attention. I blame the MS. And then I wonder if that is just a crutch. It doesn’t feel like I made stupid “mistakes” as often before I was diagnosed. It does feel like it is harder to think now. To concentrate. To know things. And I wonder if I am giving in. If I am somehow giving up. It reminds me of when Jackie grabbed me and shook me right after I was diagnosed. When I was feeling so bad. When I was wondering what was going to happen to my life. Did it make things better after she shook me? I don’t know.
I sit here and my hands tingle. I still haven’t gotten used to it. Should I? I don’t know. I don’t need the world to feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for myself enough, huh? Like this blog. So what should I tell myself? I know that I am lucky compared to many people with MS (or God forbid, much worse diseases). I know that I am lucky to have so many people who care about me. To have such a good job. A good house. Nice things. But I have a problem with me. Do I deserve the great things I’ve got? Am I real?
It is dark in my room as I write this. I am home today. I woke up with a bit of a migraine. Took some meds and went in to work. Sat in fluorescent lighting until I almost vomited from the aching in my head. Came home. And here I am. Vomiting this self-pity to you. The world. The cruel harsh world.
I just want a hug.
I’m not really lonely. Even though right now I am alone.
Sometimes I think that hugs can cure anything. I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband. Even though he isn’t physically substantial, his hugs make me feel safe and secure and loved. And he doesn’t mind when I step on his feet on accident. (Careless or clumsy?)
Under Pressure…
October 17th, 2009The title here is a quaint little homage to Singstar Queen which we have been playing on the PS3 while also being the way that I have felt lately.
It is lame as lame can be, but my body doesn’t function well in response to stress. And I have been feeling stress lately. Work is driving me batshit insane. I feel like I am a good employee which means that I get more and more responsibility handed my way. That is sweet and all, but dadgum, I am tired of more responsibility. I am tired of having undependable co-workers and crazy deadlines, and especially I am tired of having my primary job be a secondary job as my resource s get allocated to something different (that I am no longer really enjoying). So, in addition to the work stress, I have been having stomach pains…which I am not sure are related to the work stress. Or it could be related to the fibroid tumors that my obgyn found a couple months ago. Regardless, it sucks. The stress impact on my MS seems to be more tingling in my hands than usual, and more clumsiness. The clumsiness seems to have nicely displayed itself in a painful tumble down my back porch stairs. Complain complain complain. I am a whiney whiner.
I have really enjoyed playing games with Devon lately though. We’ve probably bought a game a week or so for the last month. And these are not video games, they are board or card games. They make me feel like a super snob because most people who are bug fans of Monopoly and the like (me included) have probably never heard of them before. We have Arkham Horror, Pandemic, Lost Cities, Dominion, and Munchkin Bites. I haven’t gotten to play the Munchkin game yet, but it looks super cute. My fave is Lost Cities. It is a quick little 2 player card game. I can win about 50% of the time, so it doesn’t grind my already weak self esteem into the ground.
I am also looking forward to going to Boston in March. It will be for our anniversary, but not really, as the entire intent behind it is to get Devon to the Penny Arcade East expo. I would love to be able to sightsee and stuff, but it is just a weekend, and Devon becomes king of the world at these expos. Or he did in Seattle. I don’t want to spoil that for him. We just don’t really get to travel often. We are getting to take Ambria with us this time too. I had fun in Seattle, even though I was really sick, and it kind of made life hellish. I am sure it will be nice to be in Boston. I hope that having Ambria will make it a little more fun. I also hope that I don’t disappoint this mad gamer in my life. I’m thinking I might try the board gaming aspect of Pax a little more this time.
Blah blah blah. I’ve been a little depressed lately. So I am taking a break. We have a 4 day weekend together right now. Devon is playing Uncharted2 on the PS3. It is fun to watch. I am on call for work (yea), but just until 2pm Monday. I hope that I can regroup and relax. And maybe I will drink this leftover Megro Modelo that Leslie left for me!
Whew…that last poster was a crazy beotch!
August 7th, 2009Okay, most likely I helped facilitate this MS relapse. I skipped a few shots. (That I only have to take 3x a week anyway) And I went to the beach. Where I basked in the idea of getting a little bit of sun and staying cool by staying in the water. But it was hot. And when I first started thinking I might have a sinus infection, I tried to rely on my self. Hmmm…Stack stack stack and you get an attack! So when I got back from the beach everything seemed cool. I was probably more tired than normal, and a little weaker, but everyone jokes about needing a vacay from the vacay, right? Yeah, so that is pretty much what I thought it was. Then it started hurting my head to think. Literally my head hurt and I just felt crazy amounts of physical and mental pressure when someone would make me think. Work was a little high pressure, so I’m sure that didn’t help. I was short tempered and anxious and couldn’t think of the right words. It really pissed me off and I felt like I had a target on me that said “IDIOT!” in hot pink letters! That of course exacerbated things because I was embarrassed. I was not functioning the way I SHOULD. And people could probably tell. And working harder to act like I WAS made life that much more difficult all the way around. I was getting depressed and frustrated and angry. And feeling like shit on top of it. So finally I went to the neuro. She said I seemed clumsy. And based on a series of in office tests, she thinks I relapsed. Not taking care of myself like I should.
So for the last week I have been laying around the house. I have done a steroid treatment that helped a lot while I was plugged into it, and seems to have me back on track now, but resulting from the treatment, I felt like I had heart palpitations, I’ve lost my sense of taste (not style, mind you…just taste), I felt like I was always hyperventilating. I also would experience cold sweats like crazy. Insomnia. Random pains (mostly my kidneys, my guts). But I am slowly coming back together. I did gain at least 10 pounds with the steroids. Over 3 days. And lost it again almost overnight. Such drastic changes in a body can’t be good. They don’t feel good.
I know I have frustrated Devon almost to insanity. But he has been good and tries to be patient. And even though he doesn’t exactly understand, he takes it in stride.
I worry about my job. Not about losing it, but about just going back. Can I function the way I did before? Will people think I just took a big vacation?
In general, are people going to resent me.
I’m trying not to dwell on that stuff.
I wish that a big creamy frosted cupcake held any interest for me. But my mouth tastes like ass, so all I can think of is “big creamy ass flavored frosted cupcake” …Oh WOE IS ME! tee hee.
I’m feeling a lot better. My mind is getting right. I miss all my friends. I’m ready to start living again.
One really good thing about this “break” has been that since I have barely been able to move, I have been able to play a very fun video game with Devon. It is called “Sacred 2: Fallen Angel”. My character is a Dryad, and when she kills someone she says things like, “The Dryad was better will be carved on your gravestone!” That is awesome. I never really would have thought that I would be so stoked on this kind of thing, but it can really help bring you out of the moment.
Mother fuck this fuckin’ Multiple Sclerosis
July 28th, 2009Yes, I am vomiting vulgarity today. I feel like vulgarity expresses anger best, and that is how I feel…ANGRY! I have a sinus infection exacerbated by seasonal (read: all the time) allergies. No biggie, right? Then why the hell do I need to stay out of work? Why can I barely lift my head off the pillow for more than a few seconds? WHY do I feel like complete and utter shit? I’m sure you’ve already put two and two together and answered, “Oh, it must be her MS!” Why yes, i think you are correct! See with the ridiculous sensitivity to heat (including minor temperature changes that come along with infection-caused fevers), thanks to the meds I take to ensure that I can continue to walk and think and that kind of stuff, I also have a serious predisposition to infections. I no longer have a viable immune system (good thing since my damned immune system thinks that my brain and nerves and whatnot need to be beaten up on when it IS working). I feel like such a pussy because I can no longer handle a simple sinus infection. Okay, maybe I should have gone to the doctor a week ago…But I always think that maybe my body can save itself from this little inconvenience…and yet…BLAH! My temperature was 98.9 when I was at the doctor yesterday. It normally runs around 97.7….And my body should be okay with it at 98.6, right? But I feel like my eyes are drying up, my lips are cracking due to lack of moisture, my head is on fire…I feel feverish!
And so I am bitching to you (no one), my loyal reader…because I hate bitching to the real people in my life who can just not even imagine that it is REALLY that bad….
Of course I know that it isn’t REALLY that bad. It just FEELS like I would rather be dead. The sore throat, the shooting pain from said sore throat up my neck to my ear where there is a perpetual hum. The burning nose. The heat, the weakness, the misery. The feeling like a loser because I am missing work and no one there really knows what this is like either.
Probably worst of all is that I feel like it hurts my head to try to think. Ask me a question and I will grimace and hate you for a minute, and try to answer. Maybe I will be able to think of the correct words if it is a simple question.
Sometimes I really feel like this MS business is just a big joke. A big joke on tiffany who was the laziest girl ever growing up, and who has changed into someone that would LOVE to be able to always be on the go…And yet who just can’t handle it much of the time.
So I am always thinking about Multiple Sclerosis. It is always part of my life and impacts every day in some way. So I wanted to get a tattoo that said MS defiant. Because I am most of the time, and when I feel kicked in the ass by it (like I do right now), I want to defy it! I want to win at this thing, but it isn’t even a competition. WTF?
I am grateful for my boy. He keeps me sane and makes me feel good about myself even when I am basking in self pity like I am today. He keeps me alive. Thank you, Devon!
We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl…
February 21st, 2009Don’t think I mean materialistic, because I don’t THINK I am that hardly at all…I just thrive on the material of life…and I have tons of material that infests my brain often like a plague. I have some things that I want to share…Kinda like 25 Random Things on Facebook (which I have done 2x), but these are more like things that I think about during the day…
First, why do people talk on the mobile phones in public bathrooms? Okay, so I understand that maybe YOU don’t mind sharing your business with friends, family member, colleagues, bill collectors, whomever, but do you really have to share my business too? If I am blowing my nose (and I do it loudly!), I don’t want your bros to hear. Likewise, it I am tee-teeing or taking a big dump. Please just think of that when you decide to chat up in the bathroom. You FREAKING DOUCHEBAG!
Okay, next, on the same bathroom vein, I have two bathroom pet peeves. First, I can’t stand it when the toilet paper unrolls from under. You know what I mean, the paper is coming from the backside of the roll. And it makes it hard to find the end, and it just annoys me. Replace the toilet paper with the tag rolling from the front. The top. Do it right! I don’t know anyone who prefers toilet paper from the under. I’ve done a bit of querying on this, and it seems that people either don’t care or they want it from the top. So do the ones who care a favor! Second, when I am in a public restroom and there are multiple rolls of toilet paper to choose from, I always have to use the one that has the least amount of paper left. I don’t know why, I just do. Likewise, if there is a loose roll around, I use it before I use the TP on the dispenser, UNLESS the TP on the dispenser is almost gone, then I will use it. Like you care.
So has this diatribe on the shitting habits of others caused your Periodic Vomit yet? I think I am getting sick.
And with that, I am done today! Peace Out!
And, she’s back…
February 19th, 2009After a ridiculouly long hiatus, doing things like buying the house, getting married, experiencing life, I am able to blog again.
And today I have nothing of any significance to say. Except thanks to my HUSBAND for getting me up and running again!
Feel free to visit his awesome websste at http://raddevon.com
Vomit worthy (p2)
May 7th, 2008I also realized that I forgot to take my meds yesterday.
Today is vomit worthy
May 7th, 2008So work up today and it was kind of yucky outside. Overcast. Looks better now, but my day already started with the bummer, so the sun shining through the clouds doesn’t quite make up for it. I am also tired. It seems like every day I wake up tired. Then I realized that we “Sprung forward” and it is actually earlier than the clock says. Could it be that I still have not gotten accustomed to the time change? It sure feels like it. Then I realized as I was looking for some socks that one of my darling kitties has used my sock basket (yes, basket as I do not have enough drawers to put them in) as a litter box. Pee pee only. The stench made me sad. And also made me wonder where else, in this huge house that we are staying in, may have kitty surprises. Sigh.
We had a home inspection yesterday on a potential prospect (duh, right? why would we have an inspection on anything other than a potential prospect….and is that a redundancy?). It was the most favorable inspection we have had. And they did find some little (?) problems. And everyone (including the inspector) is telling me that there are ALWAYS going to be some problems. [So I should just suck it up and buy something that I know will need SOMETHING fixed? I recognize that there is NO WAY that an inspection will find absolutely everything, so not only are there these little things that we now know will need to be fixed, but what could be looming?] I do want to give props to our inspector, Mr. Steve Hancock with National Property Inspectors. Wonderful man. Does a good job!
I am having some difficulty thinking positive today…even though I KNOW that I have a ton to feel blessed about. It is just a day that I would rather have stayed in bed….
A tiffany Epiphany
May 5th, 2008This girl is not gonna get any taller. I am probably average height…maybe a little on the short side, but all of the pants that I buy are WAY TOO LONG. Yes, so it might have a little to do with the fact that I am not as petite as my height would warrant, but still, one would think that the all powerful pants manufacturers of the world would understand that a girl can have some hips and have short legs too…Sigh. So today I realized that I need to get my pants hemmed if I plan on continuing to wear them. Luckily, I now have a new mamaw-in-law who does excellent hemming work. Much like my granny would if she were still alive. I need probably 4 inches taken off of all of my pants. STAT! Now, will I have the courage to ask my new Mamaw Mary if she will hem my pants? Will a lunch at Cracker Barrel be enough incentive? Stay tuned…
And FOOD makes me think…
May 5th, 2008
So, food plays a big part in my life. Um, I would LITERALLY DIE if I didn’t have it. You will see a lot of posts that talk about food. But really I am not a glutton like I may have been BEFORE. Blah blah blah
So, here I am craving my choco’s and ALSO craving SUSHI! Which is one of my favorite ways to spoil myself and also feel like I am not eating something completely terrible for me. Anyway, I was thinking about sushi and then I thought I would share! I ate an octopus the other night. It was little, but I did eat the whole thing. It was sauteed. It was also very rubbery. I wouldn’t do it again, but I HAD to do it at least once. I ate an Octopus!
