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Mother fuck this fuckin’ Multiple Sclerosis
Yes, I am vomiting vulgarity today. I feel like vulgarity expresses anger best, and that is how I feel…ANGRY! I have a sinus infection exacerbated by seasonal (read: all the time) allergies. No biggie, right? Then why the hell do I need to stay out of work? Why can I barely lift my head off the pillow for more than a few seconds? WHY do I feel like complete and utter shit? I’m sure you’ve already put two and two together and answered, “Oh, it must be her MS!” Why yes, i think you are correct! See with the ridiculous sensitivity to heat (including minor temperature changes that come along with infection-caused fevers), thanks to the meds I take to ensure that I can continue to walk and think and that kind of stuff, I also have a serious predisposition to infections. I no longer have a viable immune system (good thing since my damned immune system thinks that my brain and nerves and whatnot need to be beaten up on when it IS working). I feel like such a pussy because I can no longer handle a simple sinus infection. Okay, maybe I should have gone to the doctor a week ago…But I always think that maybe my body can save itself from this little inconvenience…and yet…BLAH! My temperature was 98.9 when I was at the doctor yesterday. It normally runs around 97.7….And my body should be okay with it at 98.6, right? But I feel like my eyes are drying up, my lips are cracking due to lack of moisture, my head is on fire…I feel feverish!
And so I am bitching to you (no one), my loyal reader…because I hate bitching to the real people in my life who can just not even imagine that it is REALLY that bad….
Of course I know that it isn’t REALLY that bad. It just FEELS like I would rather be dead. The sore throat, the shooting pain from said sore throat up my neck to my ear where there is a perpetual hum. The burning nose. The heat, the weakness, the misery. The feeling like a loser because I am missing work and no one there really knows what this is like either.
Probably worst of all is that I feel like it hurts my head to try to think. Ask me a question and I will grimace and hate you for a minute, and try to answer. Maybe I will be able to think of the correct words if it is a simple question.
Sometimes I really feel like this MS business is just a big joke. A big joke on tiffany who was the laziest girl ever growing up, and who has changed into someone that would LOVE to be able to always be on the go…And yet who just can’t handle it much of the time.
So I am always thinking about Multiple Sclerosis. It is always part of my life and impacts every day in some way. So I wanted to get a tattoo that said MS defiant. Because I am most of the time, and when I feel kicked in the ass by it (like I do right now), I want to defy it! I want to win at this thing, but it isn’t even a competition. WTF?
I am grateful for my boy. He keeps me sane and makes me feel good about myself even when I am basking in self pity like I am today. He keeps me alive. Thank you, Devon!
August 5th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I didn’t know you started writing again. I hope things are turning around for you this week.
Also, “Ask me a question and I will grimace and hate you for a minute,” HAHAHA!
January 27th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
Ms gives me sleepless nights, my skin becomes very dry n stiff n itches a lot
is it curable?
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February 23rd, 2010 at 4:25 pm
MS isn’t curable at this time, but to quote the Beatles, “You have to admit it’s getting better – it’s getting better all the time….”