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Whew…that last poster was a crazy beotch!
Okay, most likely I helped facilitate this MS relapse. I skipped a few shots. (That I only have to take 3x a week anyway) And I went to the beach. Where I basked in the idea of getting a little bit of sun and staying cool by staying in the water. But it was hot. And when I first started thinking I might have a sinus infection, I tried to rely on my self. Hmmm…Stack stack stack and you get an attack! So when I got back from the beach everything seemed cool. I was probably more tired than normal, and a little weaker, but everyone jokes about needing a vacay from the vacay, right? Yeah, so that is pretty much what I thought it was. Then it started hurting my head to think. Literally my head hurt and I just felt crazy amounts of physical and mental pressure when someone would make me think. Work was a little high pressure, so I’m sure that didn’t help. I was short tempered and anxious and couldn’t think of the right words. It really pissed me off and I felt like I had a target on me that said “IDIOT!” in hot pink letters! That of course exacerbated things because I was embarrassed. I was not functioning the way I SHOULD. And people could probably tell. And working harder to act like I WAS made life that much more difficult all the way around. I was getting depressed and frustrated and angry. And feeling like shit on top of it. So finally I went to the neuro. She said I seemed clumsy. And based on a series of in office tests, she thinks I relapsed. Not taking care of myself like I should.
So for the last week I have been laying around the house. I have done a steroid treatment that helped a lot while I was plugged into it, and seems to have me back on track now, but resulting from the treatment, I felt like I had heart palpitations, I’ve lost my sense of taste (not style, mind you…just taste), I felt like I was always hyperventilating. I also would experience cold sweats like crazy. Insomnia. Random pains (mostly my kidneys, my guts). But I am slowly coming back together. I did gain at least 10 pounds with the steroids. Over 3 days. And lost it again almost overnight. Such drastic changes in a body can’t be good. They don’t feel good.
I know I have frustrated Devon almost to insanity. But he has been good and tries to be patient. And even though he doesn’t exactly understand, he takes it in stride.
I worry about my job. Not about losing it, but about just going back. Can I function the way I did before? Will people think I just took a big vacation?
In general, are people going to resent me.
I’m trying not to dwell on that stuff.
I wish that a big creamy frosted cupcake held any interest for me. But my mouth tastes like ass, so all I can think of is “big creamy ass flavored frosted cupcake” …Oh WOE IS ME! tee hee.
I’m feeling a lot better. My mind is getting right. I miss all my friends. I’m ready to start living again.
One really good thing about this “break” has been that since I have barely been able to move, I have been able to play a very fun video game with Devon. It is called “Sacred 2: Fallen Angel”. My character is a Dryad, and when she kills someone she says things like, “The Dryad was better will be carved on your gravestone!” That is awesome. I never really would have thought that I would be so stoked on this kind of thing, but it can really help bring you out of the moment.
