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“Careless and I’m lonely again…”
I’m having a difficult time determining the difference between careless and clumsy. I feel like sometimes I care way too much. Can I be careless then? Sometimes I am not cognizant of things. Does that make me careless? I didn’t notice that I was losing my grip on the full glass of water this morning while I was standing at the water cooler. Maybe I wasn’t holding onto it strong enough. I felt like ass as it slipped from my hand and spilled all over the floor. I felt like a bigger ass as I used up half of the paper towels on the rack to crawl around the floor and sop it up. I felt like an ass when I fell onto the Lovesac and bounced the PS3 controller onto the floor. More of an ass when I realized how obviously upset it made Devon. I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t even know it was sitting there. Would most people have realized it? Am I like most people? I know that I don’t pay attention like I should. I feel like it may take me more effort to pay attention. I blame the MS. And then I wonder if that is just a crutch. It doesn’t feel like I made stupid “mistakes” as often before I was diagnosed. It does feel like it is harder to think now. To concentrate. To know things. And I wonder if I am giving in. If I am somehow giving up. It reminds me of when Jackie grabbed me and shook me right after I was diagnosed. When I was feeling so bad. When I was wondering what was going to happen to my life. Did it make things better after she shook me? I don’t know.
I sit here and my hands tingle. I still haven’t gotten used to it. Should I? I don’t know. I don’t need the world to feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for myself enough, huh? Like this blog. So what should I tell myself? I know that I am lucky compared to many people with MS (or God forbid, much worse diseases). I know that I am lucky to have so many people who care about me. To have such a good job. A good house. Nice things. But I have a problem with me. Do I deserve the great things I’ve got? Am I real?
It is dark in my room as I write this. I am home today. I woke up with a bit of a migraine. Took some meds and went in to work. Sat in fluorescent lighting until I almost vomited from the aching in my head. Came home. And here I am. Vomiting this self-pity to you. The world. The cruel harsh world.
I just want a hug.
I’m not really lonely. Even though right now I am alone.
Sometimes I think that hugs can cure anything. I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband. Even though he isn’t physically substantial, his hugs make me feel safe and secure and loved. And he doesn’t mind when I step on his feet on accident. (Careless or clumsy?)
October 27th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I love you, babe. Just find some fun time waster and lose yourself in it until I get home. If your head isn’t hurting anymore, start up an alt on Borderlands! That should kill a few hours.
I will be home soon to hug you.