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Monster Spawning and Living within the Spectrum
It has been a while since I have written. I’m not sure if that is good or bad, but I guess really it doesn’t matter either way. It is what it is. And besides, I am writing now. So here you go….
Lately I have been spending a significant amount of time playing games on my computer. I have found that I am very comfortable playing MMORPGs without having to interact with people IRL (in real life). It makes me happy and makes me feel like I am being social without the pressure of worrying what others may think of me. I enjoy interacting with imaginary people. Mainly the NPCs (non-player characters). They do not judge you as they are just canned computer responders. I am still very hesitant about interacting with real players in the games, but Devon has actually helped ease me into a little bit of that. I’ve also been playing this one game, Rift, where there is a part of the game that you can just jump in to with a bunch of other players and everyone is working toward the same goal of defeating the bad guys. No one has much time to be spitting the vitriol that is pervasive elsewhere on the interwebs. And you don’t have to jump into a small group where other people may have certain expectations of you. I like this.
I have also been playing Minecraft. It is a world building game. Kind of like adult Legos. I can get the different colored blocks and turn them in to whatever I can imagine them to be. Basically. It is also very pleasing to me. Minecraft has these special kind of blocks that are called Monster Spawners. I think that is kind of funny, because that is where all the bad guys come from.
It reminds me of my MS. M.S. = Monster Spawner. I’ve been thinking of my MS a lot lately as this month begins the MS awareness time of the year. MS Walks and bike rides are rampant. Luckily, that is about the only thing daily that reminds me of this disease. Health-wise, I have been doing well. I get too tired, and I blame it on the disease. I get confused sometimes and frustrated sometimes, and I blame it on the disease. But I can walk. I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to. I am healthy. I am definitely overweight, and still (at almost 37 years of age) acne-prone, but I am healthy.
I have an internet friend who has a daughter with Autism. They are both very outspoken about Autism Awareness. It has been very nice for me to learn about this. And then of course I (and honestly most people I know who have heard anything about Autism) wonder if I may have hints of Autism. Some autistic people prefer to call themselves neuro-different. From what I have recently read, some autistic people do not want a “Cure”. This isn’t a disease. They just see and interact with the world differently. I think that I am neuro-different at times. Though honestly I am not sure what is neuro-typical. Is there a “norm” for how one should think and understand the world? If there is, where did it come from? Why does it exist? Have we, as humans, decided that we are all going to agree that THIS is what the world is and THESE are the rules we should follow?
Things that make me wonder if I am normal are things like: I get exceedingly frustrated (painfully frustrated) when I am trying to explain something and someone doesn’t seem to understand my perspective. I get hurt and angry. It isn’t really that I don’t want to be wrong (of course I don’t, but I think most people feel that way), it is more that I don’t feel like I am able to communicate my understanding of the situation to people. I start feeling like I must be talking gibberish. And it seems like people talking to me when I get this way begin talking to me like I am a child and AM indeed speaking some foreign, made up language. I think I share that with some people who are On The Spectrum (what they call people with Aspergers or Autism). The frustration of not being able to communicate to others, in a way that they will understand, something that you are thinking. My frustration also leads me to start acting out in ways that may not be socially acceptable. I feel like screaming and often being aggressive physically. I usually end up crying because I KNOW that it is not acceptable to act out in the way that my brain feel like I so desperately need to act out.
It is so strange to feel know that I am human, but feel so outside of that sometimes. I feel like I am Monster Spawning. I feel like I am On The Spectrum. I feel so much. Thanks for listening.
April 9th, 2011 at 10:33 pm
wtsCEW Good point. I hadn’t thought about it quite that way.
May 21st, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Posts like this brhiegtn up my day. Thanks for taking the time.