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“Turn around, bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart”
Starting month 4 of roller derby. I was in an Xmas parade with the derby girls of Hard Knox recently. I walked and carried a banner while others skated. Derby is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. I only have a little time. I am not a good derby girl. But derby is making my life better. I am losing weight and people are commenting on it. This makes me feel worthwhile. I am gaining skills, and people are impressed. That makes me feel good. I am realizing that I rely WAY TOO MUCH on others to validate me. And I ask myself, WHY? I’m not sure.
I am kind of a people person. I like being around people, and I like making people feel good. It makes ME feel good. I can’t just “make” myself feel good though, and often the pleasure I get by making other people happy is very fleeting — Sometimes it even brings me feelings of resentment. “Why do I do so much for that person, because they don’t do for me!” I am human. I am SO human! It is funny how we always believe that we are doing so much for people, but we are rarely doing the things that they need or even want. We do the things for others that we want them to do for us. I am needing this right now, so I will do it for you to show you. And we don’t use those words, so others may not even realize it. I don’t even always realize that is what I am doing until well after I have done it!
So today I am rambling. This has been my mind lately. Even more than usual. I am easily distracted, and I can’t explain why. Oh, I heard a sound. I just lost everything you have been saying for that last 10 minutes. Oh look, there is a shiny…oops, almost crashed my car…. Hello world! I don’t even know where I was going with this post.
I’m concentrating on reffing now in the derby world. It is still hard. I have a poor sense of balance, so my forte is falling. I can do that fairly well will minimum (permanent) damage. I love Roller Skating! I love the music that they play at the skating rink. I can lose hours at the skating rink now, and be happy.
I just feel so overwhelmed with all the lights, sights and sounds of this season. The random weather changes. I feel unable to focus. I am sure that there is a lot of stuff I need to do, but dadgum it if I can’t get it together.
Right this very minute I am remembering that I need to adjust my damage deck for Lord of the Rings Living Card Game. I want to drop the Henamarth Riversong ally. I need more cheap allies though. Hmmm… I enjoy playing board and card games with my family. It is fun to play, but I lose patience with the set-up time and waiting for my turn. I feel like a child. Usually like a sleepy child.
I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband. He witnesses me getting distracted and distraught, and he is often very patient with me. I know that sometimes he must feel like he lives with several different women, because from moment to moment, I feel like I am several different people. My moods change more frequently than my underwear. Sometimes it may be related to the MS. Just like my ever changing eyesight. Sometimes maybe it is because I am a woman and have these unrelenting hormones dragging me every which way. Sometimes I imagine that I am crazy. And Dev puts up with it all and loves me despite it all.
I am one lucky girl.
